Never Let Go
by kirstencohen
Summary: He was gone forever. Kirsten has to deal with it.


**Thanks to Bez for helping me out with this fic. All her great ideas managed to get me to the end. Hope you all like.**

Kirsten sat in the den in complete darkness. She was perched on the edge of the couch with her hands in her lap and her head down. It had been two hours and she hadn't moved except from her incessant rocking back and forth. No tears had escaped since the last time she saw him.

* * *

"Sandy, did you get my frozen yoghurt?" She asked irritably.

"Oh sorry honey I'll go back." Sandy undid his seatbelt and swung the car door open before leaning over and kissing his wife on the cheek, "Back in a minute sweetie."

"Okay thanks honey," she replied as she searched through the stack of papers on her lap. Her head was spinning with all the information she would have to remember for the presentation. She went over it in her head again but a screeching on the road interrupted her thoughts. She looked up suddenly and saw a figure lying in the middle of the road. She shoved the papers off of her lap and struggled with the car door. She managed to push it open and run around the car toward the person she was praying wasn't who she knew it was. She fell to her knees and he rolled onto his side, "Kirsten." He croaked.

"Oh my God! Sandy... don't move." She ordered as she tried to see how hurt he was. She saw the fear coursing though his eyes. A puddle of blood was flowing out from under him and his eyes were slowly drooping, "Sandy! Sandy, talk to me come on." She turned to the crowd that was forming behind her, "Somebody call an ambulance!" She turned back to her husband. His eyes were closed, "No Sandy listen to me. You're gonna be okay you just have to keep talking to me. Uh tell me what you were gonna do today." Sandy simply looked at her and smiled, "Kirsten. You never ask me about my day."

"Sandy please." Kirsten begged as the tears fell from her eyes, "Come on. What did you have for lunch yesterday?"

"You were never really were good a keeping up an interesting conversation." He said quietly. He closed his eyes and whispered something. He could feel the darkness creeping in. Kirsten leaned down lower to hear, "Kirsten listen to me. Ever since the day I met you, my life, it's been perfect. You have made me so happy. Tell Ryan and Seth..."

"No! This is not it. Not here, not now. Sandy you have so much more. You're gonna watch you're son's get married and you're gonna grow old and play with your grandkids and your great grandkids. Were gonna make it to our fiftieth anniversary. You just have to hold on a little longer." Sandy winced as a searing pain shot through his chest. Kirsten held Sandy's face in her hands. She heard a siren sounding in the distance.

"Kirsten. I love you."

"No! Sandy this isn't it. It's not the end. Promise me you're gonna be okay. Please I don't know if I can do this without you."

"Of course you can. You're the strongest person I know."

"Not without you. Without you I'm nothing. I can't live without you. Promise me you'll be okay. That you'll hold on."

"I can't Kirsten, Tell Ryan and Seth that I love them."

"Sandy..." she pleaded.

"I love you Kirsten."

"I love you too." Kirsten kissed him gently and as she pulled back she saw his eyes droop. Her heart was beating wildly. She laid her head on his chest and whispered, "Sandy...? Sandy, no please, wake up, please."

* * *

When Ryan pulled up outside the manor she walked slowly into the house and straight to the den. Seth had stayed in the backseat of the car not saying anything. He hadn't spoken since the doctor had broken the news.

Ryan watched Kirsten from the doorway of the den. He hated watching her rocking back and forth on the spot. "Kirsten?" he asked gently. She didn't respond. He went toward her and kneeled in front of her, "Kirsten?" She looked up and he saw the pain searing through her eyes. They were red and bloodshot from the crying and her face was a frightening shade of grey. He looked at her sweater and saw patches of blood. He saw her hands were also blood stained. "I want him back, Ryan." She let herself fall onto him and he was ready for her. Her entire body shook in his arms. He held her tightly and let her sob into his chest.

Kirsten didn't know how long she sat there before she felt Ryan's body shift and sweep her up into his arms. He carried her out to the pool house. There wouldn't be a lot of Sandy memories in there for her. She had her arms loosely around his neck and she placed her head on his chest. When he laid her on the bed she rolled onto her side and she pulled a pillow close to her body. She curled into a ball and Ryan covered her with his duvet.

Kirsten heard Ryan leave the pool house and she drifted off to sleep. When she woke up she was tangled in her bed sheets. She was hot and sticky from the thick sweater she was wearing. She pulled it off over her head and threw it to the floor. She saw that her hands were covered in blood. She got up and washed them clean letting her tears flow down the drain along with all she had left of him. She took off her clothes and replaced them with a pair of Ryan's sweatpants and an old wife beater. She scraped her hair back and plodded out of the pool house in search of either of her sons. She found Seth lying on the couch with Ryan sitting in a chair never taking his eyes off of him. "Ryan?" she whispered. He jumped at the sound of her voice, "Hey." He said softly, "Feeling any better?" Kirsten shook her head and went toward her slumbering son. She pushed his hair back and placed a kiss on his forehead. She looked up at Ryan who was watching from the other side of the room. She knew he hadn't cried yet. At least not in front of anyone but she knew how much he must be hurting. Sandy meant everything to him. She went toward him, "Ryan?" she said softly. He looked at her searchingly as she kneeled in front of him, "How are you doing?" Ryan shook his head slightly trying to fight the tears in his eyes, "I'm okay," he lied. Kirsten saw his eyes prickling and she sighed, "Okay. Well I'm gonna go... uh call The Nana. She's with Sandy's brother and sister." She saw Ryan wince at the sound of his name. She got up and squeezed his hand before making her way to the den.

Ryan sat with Seth until he woke up the next morning. "Hey man." He said softly. Seth sat up and looked around confused. He turned back to Ryan and saw his expression, "It wasn't a nightmare was it?" Seth said quietly. Ryan looked away.

"Sorry man."

Seth swung his legs off the couch when he saw his mother standing motionlessly in the kitchen. He frowned and got up to investigate. Ryan turned and saw her too and followed his brother to the kitchen. "Mom?" Seth said, a faint quiver in his voice. When Ryan reached her he saw her staring at a spot on the counter. "Kirsten?" Ryan said softly. She didn't move. She looked dead to him except for the fact that her eyes were open and unblinking. She looked eerie standing there in the soft morning glow. Ryan was surprised when he heard her speak, "I made his coffee." She said not taking her eyes off of the cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter, "And a bagel. We only have plain cause the store was out of sesame. I left him the politics section cause' I can't read it till he does. Otherwise he hovers over me and I can't concentrate," she said all this in a monotone. Ryan saw she was still wearing his sweatpants but she'd pulled on an old Berkeley t-shirt of Sandy's. Her hair was hanging loosely, draping her face. Ryan reached for her hand. It was ice cold. "Kirsten." He repeated. Seth stared down at the coffee and bagel. His father's breakfast. He went over to his mother and reached for her hand, "Mom. Come on lets go into the lounge. You can sleep and heat up a bit huh? Come on." Seth pleaded. Kirsten turned around and allowed her son to lead her into the lounge. Ryan picked up the mug and threw the coffee down the drain. The bagel was then discarded in the trash along with the newspaper. He didn't know what else to do.

When he went back into the lounge he saw that Seth had returned to his silent state and Kirsten was sitting on the couch with her knees drawn up to her chest. His eyes began to fill up again. He made a quick exit to the pool house. He got there and found Kirsten's discarded clothes still strewn on the floor. He picked them up carefully trying to ignore the red stains. It was all they had left of him. He crawled into bed and curled into a ball. He had to be strong. He was the only one left who could try and keep it together. There was no Sandy anymore to be there to pick up the pieces. He would have to do it from now on. In spite of himself he felt his entire body shake as the tears stream from his eyes. He could feel a crushing pain in his chest when he thought about never seeing him again. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He sat up and tried to catch his breath. He hated Sandy for doing this to his family. He hated God for allowing such a great man, his hero, to be taken from them. Most of all he hated himself for being so weak. He couldn't control it anymore. He didn't care. Tears fell down his cheeks and he sobbed hysterically into his hands. He felt someone pull him toward them and stroke his hair. "It's okay Ryan. You're gonna be fine." He looked up and saw Marissa's tear stained face looking down on him. "You'll be okay."

* * *

Kirsten ran her hands though a mass of dark curls. Seth had fallen asleep on his mother's stomach. Kirsten watched as Marissa came back into the main house and into the living room. "Uh Mrs C... Kirsten?" she asked delicately. Kirsten looked up and Marissa continued trying to wipe away the tears, "I'm really sorry... about everything." Kirsten didn't say anything. She was touched by Marissa's concern and she nodded mutely before Marissa let herself out. Kirsten slid out from under Seth's grip and went into the kitchen. She looked out at the pool house and she saw Ryan through the blinds making his bed. She watched as he broke down in his room. She couldn't stare anymore.

She went out and found him on his knees next to his bed. She kneeled next to him. She didn't say anything. She just wrapped her arms around him and let him cry. He clung to her desperately. He didn't make a sound even though his entire body shook. She stroked his hair until he calmed down and he pulled away suddenly. "I'm sorry," he said sniffing.

"For what?" she asked softly. Ryan shook his head and went into the bathroom. Kirsten stood for a minute before going to check on Seth. He was still asleep.

* * *

She stood at the bottom of the stairs for what seemed like an eternity. She couldn't bring herself to even lift her foot onto the first step. She knew she would have to do it eventually. She breathed deeply and lifted her foot onto the first step. It wasn't as hard as she thought so she did it again and again until she reached the top. When she pushed the door open she saw her bed, still unmade from the morning before. Her hairdryer was still plugged in and her make up was lying in a muddle on her dresser. Sandy's robe and slippers were strewn over the chair in the corner and his swimming shorts were left on the radiator to dry after his morning surf. It was like nothing had happened. She saw little glimpses of him all over the room. Things that he'd thrown down on the floor and told himself he'd tidy later. His towel still lay in a ball on the floor next to the bed. She stooped down and picked it up. It smelled just like him. His salty seawater smell clung to it. She breathed it in deeply and added her own salty tears to the mix. She sat on the edge of the bed and looked around. It was a jumble of her and Sandy's life together. Memories of their last day. He was everywhere.

She heard a noise behind her. She didn't care. She just wanted to be alone with her own thoughts and memories. She felt a hand touch her shoulder, "Kiki?" She turned and saw her father's grave face staring down at her with concern, "Daddy?" She sat up and fell into his arms. He held her tightly and waited patiently until her sobbing subsided, "I miss him so much. I don't know what I'm gonna do daddy."

"Yes you do. You're gonna get through this and take care of yourself and your two sons. They need you to be strong. For them." Caleb said gently. Kirsten's face crumpled and she began to cry again.

"I don't think I can." She said sadly. Caleb took Kirsten's hand, "He was great man Kiki. He will be greatly missed," he said seriously. Kirsten thought he sounded as if he was talking to a co-worker rather than his own daughter. She felt a rush of anger.

"What? Greatly missed by you? You hated him! You always did. You never gave him a chance to show you just how great he was!"

"Kirsten..." he began softly,

"NO! Don't say you'll miss him because you won't, I know you won't. You're probably glad..."

"DON'T YOU DARE! Kirsten, don't dare say that I didn't care about Sandy." Caleb yelled angrily, "I cared about him. No we didn't always get on. No we didn't see eye to eye but he's been my son in law for seventeen years! He's the closest thing to a son that I've got... had. I loved him Kirsten. Maybe not as much as I should have but I loved him." Caleb's eyes filled up but no tears fell. He got up from the bed and went out of the room. Kirsten heard the front door slam as her father left.

* * *

Ryan came upstairs to check on her. "Kirsten?" he asked. He saw her clinging to a pillow. She was quite close to the edge of the bed. It was as though she was afraid to move onto Sandy's side. He reached her and saw that she was staring at the other side of the bed. She looked the way she did when them found her in the kitchen that morning. "Kirsten?" he asked again. She didn't move. He saw that her right hand was resting on Sandy's pillow. He gave up and began to walk out of the room when he heard her small voice, "Ryan?" He spun around and saw her looking at him, "I can't sleep." She said quietly. Ryan didn't know how to answer. What did she want him to do? Rock her to sleep? She got out of bed, "Could you stay? Just until I fall asleep. I can't sleep in an empty bed." She was almost pleading. He saw that she was close to tears again. He nodded and led her over to the bed. She crawled onto her own side and Ryan covered her up. He lay on top of the duvet and wrapped his left arm around her. As they lay there he felt a wet sensation seep onto his chest. He realised Kirsten was crying again. He didn't say anything. What was there to say? That she'd be okay? How could she be? He was gone. The only thing that held their family together was gone forever and he wasn't coming back to save them.

* * *

Kirsten woke up and found herself still in Ryan's arms. She could sense that someone else was in the room. She looked to the doorway and found Seth staring in silence. "Seth?" she asked gently. She crawled out from under Ryan's arms and went over to her son. "I can't sleep." He said quietly. Kirsten took his hand and led him over to the bed. She slid in next to Ryan and pulled Seth under the covers as well. She felt that Ryan was cold and covered him up too. Seth had his back to her and was curled in the foetal position. She wrapped herself around him and kissed his dark curls. "I love you Seth."

"I love you too mom," he replied. Kirsten pulled Ryan's arms around her again and held him tightly. She clung to the only people she had left. And she knew she was never going to let go.

Fin.

**Please review and tell me what you think.**


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